The Pirate and the Parrot
A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal."
The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots."
Then the bartender says, "I was talking to the parrot!"
How can I go to heaven?
I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "No!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said.
"Then I'll come home and eat!," declared the child.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I will come home and get some!" replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going to college."